Meandering thoughts of the night
2004-08-28
@ 12:51 a.m.
Just one entry before I drift off to sleep. I like sleeping. The problem is, I procrastinate sleeping, like now. I used to stay up just to catch a glimpse of her online and wake up really early to greet her a good morning. Then there was the crying till I fall asleep, which was really bad cos I look like shit the next day. Eventually the crying reduced to tears, and the tears reduced to almost nothing. Not that I stopped caring, I guess I just went into another state of mind to push everything aside, not think about it, and be numb.
I wonder how my life’s gonna be in another 10 to 20 years. Will I continue this façade, to talk crap like nothing’s happened? What would have happened if things didn’t turn out the way they did? Will I be a different person as I pick up bits and pieces of memories and experience to patch the cracks of my soul? Can I find another to sweep me off my feet? I wonder…not.
As much as my actions betray my thoughts, I really want to move on. I want to quit smoking, I want more responsibilities in my job, I want to be a better person. When I actually start moving, shit happens and I stumble, I end up crawling back in my tiny world like a withdrawal symptom. Is God going to give me a hand, or is this one of those things where he’s helping by not doing anything or I’m just not seeing it.
I said I would eat a pineapple for her. For the same price, I’m willing to eat a pineapple to end the sorrow. Kinda makes me wonder just how many pineapples would it take to kill me. Imagine the headlines “Man killed by pineapples!”
That would be some funny shit.